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Pain

Pain – [peyn], noun: physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc. (www.dictionary.com)

Yup…I’d say that description pretty much sums up my week. We’ve decided that what I’ve somehow managed to accomplish is a sprain or muscle tear just under my boobs (ha – I said boobs) around my ribs. Oh please, pretty please, allow me to tell you how incredibly fun this is for me! For every move, every breath, every cough, laugh, whatever the hell I’m doing…I feel immense pain. Sleeping has been horrible, I am not able to lay on my back or stomach (shoot me now), so I have to spend my nights painfully flipping from side to side, which results in much frustration.

This week I spent three days working almost 10 hours a day, something I haven’t done since I left my “real adult job” back  in May 2012; this was an incredibly rude awakening for my body – my poor, pain filled body. But by God I did it; I was there every morning, I wasn’t late, and I wrangled two 5 year olds all day. Needless to say that I was tired last night…and I’m very thankful for the man who let me sleep in until 10 am this morning. (Thank you baby!)

Basically I’m making you feel sorry for me to inform both you and myself that there probably won’t be any change in my weight this week, or at all until this stupid chest thing is healed and I can move and breathe again. And I’m ok with this, I need to be. Things are not going to magically happen…I have to make them happen, and in order to do that I have to be healthy. I will deal with this set back and then move forward. Rinse and repeat.

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Jealousy

Jealousy – jeal|ous|y, noun: mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims. (www.dictionary.com)

I am one day away from starting this thing…one day away from some major changes taking place in my life. Another reason why I am doing this was shoved in my face yesterday, not that it isn’t shoved there everyday. I know my husband looks at girls, every man does – it’s what they’re made to do and if you disagree with that you’re stupid. But I know that my husband struggles with a lot of things and having hot girls everywhere just makes it worse.

With every long stare and sigh directed at a hot girl, I come to hate myself just a little bit more. I’m aware that he doesn’t like the way I look, that it makes things difficult – I’m aware and I agree, because I don’t like the way that I look either. But I’m tired of hating myself and every girl I see; and I’m tired of being jealous of people I don’t know because they’re getting the longing looks and thoughts from my husband, the ones that I desire. Unfortunately this is something that will not be completely solved with weight loss, it’s going to take lots of work within myself to make sure that I know that I’m not worse than those girls, fat or not.

This is something I’ve always struggled with since I grew up being the fat friend, the girl that no guy would look at because her friend standing next to her was skinnier, therefore hotter. Do you know how many heartbreaks I had because the guy I seriously adored would look at me and laugh? How I was picked last for almost everything and ignored because I was fat? All this pain led to me eating more, which made everything worse. I don’t want to be that person anymore.

I want to be a woman who is comfortable with who she is, she may not be the perfect size, she may be kind of a dork, and extremely clumsy, but she’s who she is and she’s proud of that. I want that for myself…and the journey towards that starts tomorrow.

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