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Jealousy

Jealousy – jeal|ous|y, noun: mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims. (www.dictionary.com)

I am one day away from starting this thing…one day away from some major changes taking place in my life. Another reason why I am doing this was shoved in my face yesterday, not that it isn’t shoved there everyday. I know my husband looks at girls, every man does – it’s what they’re made to do and if you disagree with that you’re stupid. But I know that my husband struggles with a lot of things and having hot girls everywhere just makes it worse.

With every long stare and sigh directed at a hot girl, I come to hate myself just a little bit more. I’m aware that he doesn’t like the way I look, that it makes things difficult – I’m aware and I agree, because I don’t like the way that I look either. But I’m tired of hating myself and every girl I see; and I’m tired of being jealous of people I don’t know because they’re getting the longing looks and thoughts from my husband, the ones that I desire. Unfortunately this is something that will not be completely solved with weight loss, it’s going to take lots of work within myself to make sure that I know that I’m not worse than those girls, fat or not.

This is something I’ve always struggled with since I grew up being the fat friend, the girl that no guy would look at because her friend standing next to her was skinnier, therefore hotter. Do you know how many heartbreaks I had because the guy I seriously adored would look at me and laugh? How I was picked last for almost everything and ignored because I was fat? All this pain led to me eating more, which made everything worse. I don’t want to be that person anymore.

I want to be a woman who is comfortable with who she is, she may not be the perfect size, she may be kind of a dork, and extremely clumsy, but she’s who she is and she’s proud of that. I want that for myself…and the journey towards that starts tomorrow.

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Resolutions

Resolution – res|o|lu|tion, noun: a resolve or determination; the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc. (www.dictionary.com)

So I’m doing something I’ve attempted to keep myself doing for years and years, I’m making a New Year’s Resolution. The fact is, I don’t believe in resolutions; I think they’re crap, just people speaking gibberish, not meaning anything they say. Regardless, here I am at 26 years old – making a resolution. And on top of all of this, I’m making such a common,  overused resolution that means nothing to anyone anymore. They’re just words…to some people.

You know what? I refuse to call it a resolution…I’m going to call it a life change. My life change for 2013 is to stop making excuses, to lose the weight, to gain my life back. It has been said on this website before that I am extremely overweight; yes, I have lost about 30 pounds since May 2012, but I’ve also put some of that back on and I should have been more dedicated to the process. The truth is…I want kids. And I am no where near the proper weight to be able to carry a baby to full term, and do so while being healthy. And that scares me…rightfully so.

So, starting January 1, 2013 – how cliche – my life is changing. Admittedly I have been stuffing my face with the things I won’t be letting myself have once this starts…which means lots and lots of sugar. There has been a constant sugar high since Christmas and I plan to continue through New Year’s Eve. Some people are probably going to disagree with the way that I’m doing this but here’s the deal…I know me and I know my body. It is going to take something extreme, like this, for me to make changes – and I will make them.

Will you take this journey with me?

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