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Bashful Blogger

Uhm…hi there…remember me? Yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t, it has been a long time. Lots of things have happened since January 8th, like school starting.

I’m taking three classes this semester – two night and one online – and two of them are “reading” classes.  For one of my classes we’re reading four books, plus additional audio books and PDF books that the professor provides, and doing some heavy duty essay questions each week; for another class I have to read a book each week, yes a whole book, and top that off with a major quiz after each book; and for my last class…oh God, all I’m going to say is that grammar is evil and clearly the devil’s magic…with weekly quizzes.

So basically I spend my weeks attempting to time everything so that I don’t forget anything for quizzes, essays, etc. And then I go watch three five year olds for 3 hours everyday…I’m kind of tired.

However! My ribs finally healed and I’ve already been to the gym once this week…of course that will probably be it until I can reorganize my schedule starting next week…but I made it!  So this is all really about organization and baby steps…and I’ve already lost 2 pounds and I anticipate losing a lot more.

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Week 2

Well hello there weekly weigh-in! So…I was right. I haven’t lost a single pound this week. Bright side - I haven’t GAINED a single pound this week either! Unfortunately, I fear this trend may continue since I injured the other side of my rib cage on Sunday night…during a coughing fit. Yes that’s right, a coughing fit. I don’t even have a cool story to tell, just that I coughed  so violently that I possibly, momentarily dislocated a rib. Yup, there was a pop and movement and things were just bad that evening. But I’m alive! And I do believe my ribs are where they’re supposed to be…I think.

Another bright side  I found out that because I’m a student at a certain university, I’m allowed to use the community college fitness center for free! I promptly signed up for this benefit, so as soon as I can move without tears – I’ll be there!

So yeah…this post is pretty short because not much has happened, due to crippling injury. Hopefully I’ll have more to tell you in the days to come!

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Pain

Pain – [peyn], noun: physical suffering or distress, as due to injury, illness, etc. (www.dictionary.com)

Yup…I’d say that description pretty much sums up my week. We’ve decided that what I’ve somehow managed to accomplish is a sprain or muscle tear just under my boobs (ha – I said boobs) around my ribs. Oh please, pretty please, allow me to tell you how incredibly fun this is for me! For every move, every breath, every cough, laugh, whatever the hell I’m doing…I feel immense pain. Sleeping has been horrible, I am not able to lay on my back or stomach (shoot me now), so I have to spend my nights painfully flipping from side to side, which results in much frustration.

This week I spent three days working almost 10 hours a day, something I haven’t done since I left my “real adult job” back  in May 2012; this was an incredibly rude awakening for my body – my poor, pain filled body. But by God I did it; I was there every morning, I wasn’t late, and I wrangled two 5 year olds all day. Needless to say that I was tired last night…and I’m very thankful for the man who let me sleep in until 10 am this morning. (Thank you baby!)

Basically I’m making you feel sorry for me to inform both you and myself that there probably won’t be any change in my weight this week, or at all until this stupid chest thing is healed and I can move and breathe again. And I’m ok with this, I need to be. Things are not going to magically happen…I have to make them happen, and in order to do that I have to be healthy. I will deal with this set back and then move forward. Rinse and repeat.

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Week 1

So today was…interesting…I guess you could say.  Somehow I have injured myself in the sternum area…yippee by the way…so I have been in lots of pain the past two days, which resulted in me spending today in bed, barely moving, and lots of Ghost Adventures and Doctor Who.  I actually hurt bad enough that I did not get up to eat…at all. So yeah, I’ve only eaten once today and can I just say that this actually ISN’T part of my master plan for 2013.

Regardless of a day spent in bed, I will still be calling today Week 1, Day 1…thus I will have to give my starting weight – which is super embarrassing on so many levels.  But I need to learn to be ok with myself, to be ok with the mistakes that I’ve made, the ones that have led me to this point. Mistakes like being stuck in bed all day and only eating once…facepalm.

So…here’s to the beginning…

Week 1 weight:  269

(You know…while this weight isn’t pretty…it’s still 23 pounds down from where I started in May 2012. I’ll take what I can get. )

 

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Jealousy

Jealousy – jeal|ous|y, noun: mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims. (www.dictionary.com)

I am one day away from starting this thing…one day away from some major changes taking place in my life. Another reason why I am doing this was shoved in my face yesterday, not that it isn’t shoved there everyday. I know my husband looks at girls, every man does – it’s what they’re made to do and if you disagree with that you’re stupid. But I know that my husband struggles with a lot of things and having hot girls everywhere just makes it worse.

With every long stare and sigh directed at a hot girl, I come to hate myself just a little bit more. I’m aware that he doesn’t like the way I look, that it makes things difficult – I’m aware and I agree, because I don’t like the way that I look either. But I’m tired of hating myself and every girl I see; and I’m tired of being jealous of people I don’t know because they’re getting the longing looks and thoughts from my husband, the ones that I desire. Unfortunately this is something that will not be completely solved with weight loss, it’s going to take lots of work within myself to make sure that I know that I’m not worse than those girls, fat or not.

This is something I’ve always struggled with since I grew up being the fat friend, the girl that no guy would look at because her friend standing next to her was skinnier, therefore hotter. Do you know how many heartbreaks I had because the guy I seriously adored would look at me and laugh? How I was picked last for almost everything and ignored because I was fat? All this pain led to me eating more, which made everything worse. I don’t want to be that person anymore.

I want to be a woman who is comfortable with who she is, she may not be the perfect size, she may be kind of a dork, and extremely clumsy, but she’s who she is and she’s proud of that. I want that for myself…and the journey towards that starts tomorrow.

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Resolutions

Resolution – res|o|lu|tion, noun: a resolve or determination; the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc. (www.dictionary.com)

So I’m doing something I’ve attempted to keep myself doing for years and years, I’m making a New Year’s Resolution. The fact is, I don’t believe in resolutions; I think they’re crap, just people speaking gibberish, not meaning anything they say. Regardless, here I am at 26 years old – making a resolution. And on top of all of this, I’m making such a common,  overused resolution that means nothing to anyone anymore. They’re just words…to some people.

You know what? I refuse to call it a resolution…I’m going to call it a life change. My life change for 2013 is to stop making excuses, to lose the weight, to gain my life back. It has been said on this website before that I am extremely overweight; yes, I have lost about 30 pounds since May 2012, but I’ve also put some of that back on and I should have been more dedicated to the process. The truth is…I want kids. And I am no where near the proper weight to be able to carry a baby to full term, and do so while being healthy. And that scares me…rightfully so.

So, starting January 1, 2013 – how cliche – my life is changing. Admittedly I have been stuffing my face with the things I won’t be letting myself have once this starts…which means lots and lots of sugar. There has been a constant sugar high since Christmas and I plan to continue through New Year’s Eve. Some people are probably going to disagree with the way that I’m doing this but here’s the deal…I know me and I know my body. It is going to take something extreme, like this, for me to make changes – and I will make them.

Will you take this journey with me?

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